[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
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Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle