*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
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I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
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There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how