lifeguard: can you describe the thing that touched you?
me: yea…it was like a wet wind chime made out of wieners
lifeguard: a squid?
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
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Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Lying on my bed struggling to squeeze into jeans
The dog comes in to show emotional support
… followed by the cat,
who came to judge.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you