*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
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I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious