@Beatonm5

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower

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@murrman5

*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.

@Sal0630

Boss: I’ll tell you what I want

Me: So tell me what you want, what you really really want

*office breaks into Spice Girls dance routine

@BradBroaddus

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

@Brainy_Bear

The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.

@outsmartedmommy

What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.

@LosLos__

Stop. Stop it right now.
I’m going to count to five.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

~A parenting haiku.

@caseytduncan

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

@deep_academic

I am an Indian and I can tell you that Brits take forever to leave. #Brexit #BrexitShambles