ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
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I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.