Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.

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It was the Middle Ages. There’s no way Rapunzel didn’t have lice.


If you play your cards right, I could be your 2nd and 4th husband.


Don’t ask me how I managed to take this because I’m not entirely sure


My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.


Thanks, but it’s spelled “sexiest”, not “sexist”. Stupid woman.


[ first day of 5th grade ]

Teacher: Carly?

Carlie: Here

Teacher: No the other one

Karrlee: I’m Here

Teacher: Not you

Qar’leigh: Me?

Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*


Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.


I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.


*Sits straight up in bed*

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*


me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings