@curiouswavefn

Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.

You Might Also Like

@juliussharpe

It was the Middle Ages. There’s no way Rapunzel didn’t have lice.

@vinfury

If you play your cards right, I could be your 2nd and 4th husband.

@CakeLikeBeth

Don’t ask me how I managed to take this because I’m not entirely sure

@amydillon

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

@motrboatr

Thanks, but it’s spelled “sexiest”, not “sexist”. Stupid woman.

@e4moji

[ first day of 5th grade ]

Teacher: Carly?

Carlie: Here

Teacher: No the other one

Karrlee: I’m Here

Teacher: Not you

Qar’leigh: Me?

Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*

@freypalm

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

@KrazykurtKurt

I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.

@RxitWounds

*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*

@Big_Cat74

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings