@AsgardianRose

Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.

Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.

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@Matt_The_1st

“What’s wrong with our country?”

OBAMA!

“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”

OBAMA!

@WheelTod

This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.

@Rollinintheseat

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”

@ramblinma

Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.

@InternetHippo

JESUS: I am the way, the truth, and the life

ME: This guy is definitely an only child

@Ygrene

Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices

Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger

@KylePlantEmoji

[parade]

Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?

Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or

@Douchekevin

My gf told me to take my phone and stick it where the sun don’t shine.

So I sent it to Seattle.

Women make no sense some days.

@DeepDarkFear

BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.