Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.

Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.

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The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.


ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”

AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad

ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big


Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”


My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.


Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.


May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.


If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?


Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby


*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??