“What’s wrong with our country?”
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
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This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
JESUS: I am the way, the truth, and the life
ME: This guy is definitely an only child
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
My gf told me to take my phone and stick it where the sun don’t shine.
So I sent it to Seattle.
Women make no sense some days.
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.