@AsgardianRose

Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.

Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.

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@IamJackBoot

The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.

@SortaBad

ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”

AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad

ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big

@TragicAllyHere

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

@ericonederful

My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.

@mommajessiec

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

@Gupton68

May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.

@toastymoe

If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?

@mdob11

Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby

@danielleweisber

*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE