Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
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you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*