Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
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Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Some people were born into their job.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire