Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel


*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*

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Got any spare change?

No, Im an athiest.

Can you give me a hand?

No, Im an athiest.

Hows the weather?

Sorry, Im an athiest.

– Athiests


Let me get this straight Hulu Plus. I pay you $ to watch shows & then you fill those shows with commercials. This sounds familiar.


Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”


The most stable relationship I’ve had is with a guy at the gym who has no idea we’ve been dating for the past year.


ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.

GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.

ME: It’s just SO big.


If Eve sacrificed the whole human race for an apple, have you ever wondered what she would have done for a cucumber?


People who argue Hillary is crooked; boy have I got news for you on the rest of the government


I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.