Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
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does watever a spider can:
has two legs., he can talk.
wat kind of spider bit this guy
eating a straw so the turtles don’t have to
Wife: What did you get me for Mother’s Day?
3-year-old: A cake.
Wife: Where is it?
3: You haven’t made it yet.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
In hell, everyone can see your Google search history.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
If I had a dollar for every time I fell for a tweeter instead of a real person, I could pay for the psychiatric help I obviously need.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.