Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.

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At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music


“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”


DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him

THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that

DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand


Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”


when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit


I have a gut feeling about you.

It’s called nausea.


can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”


Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us