@DurtMcHurtt

Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.

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@AmericanGent69

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

@jonnysun

spider-man, spidre-man,.
does watever a spider can:
has two legs., he can talk.
wat kind of spider bit this guy

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: What did you get me for Mother’s Day?

3-year-old: A cake.

Wife: Where is it?

3: You haven’t made it yet.

@jonnysun

TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here

@Sophie2078

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.

@ericsshadow

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

@RamblingMachine

If I had a dollar for every time I fell for a tweeter instead of a real person, I could pay for the psychiatric help I obviously need.

@CulturedRuffian

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.