@DurtMcHurtt

Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.

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@Hellaphantitis

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

@TheTimeIGotHigh

“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”

@Holy_Mowgli

DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him

THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that

DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand

@TheAlexNevil

Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”

@iamspacegirl

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

@WTF_MYOB

I have a gut feeling about you.

It’s called nausea.

@teir3s

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

@HelloCullen

Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us