Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
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Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Cats are still liquid.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.