perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
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*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what