Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”

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I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.


Rectal Grease went and complained to HR and now we can’t use nicknames at work anymore


Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.


Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die


I don’t see any former child prodigies/spelling bee champions solving any of the world’s problems. Thanks for nothing, you little burn-outs.


damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]


My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.


*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience


When my doctor diagnosed me with surrealism I didn’t know what to candle wax forest upside down volcano coffin.


I let 3 eat a butter packet, telling myself “meh, that wrapper is helping him work on fine motor skills”