@Rollinintheseat

Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”

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@robdelaney

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

@TheCensoredRock

Rectal Grease went and complained to HR and now we can’t use nicknames at work anymore

@karanbirtinna

Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.

@froghammer

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die

@markleggett

I don’t see any former child prodigies/spelling bee champions solving any of the world’s problems. Thanks for nothing, you little burn-outs.

@electrolemon

damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]

@3sunzzz

My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.

@AimeeHelene1

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

@onedumbshark

When my doctor diagnosed me with surrealism I didn’t know what to candle wax forest upside down volcano coffin.

@KonaSlater

I let 3 eat a butter packet, telling myself “meh, that wrapper is helping him work on fine motor skills”