Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
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You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event