Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
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{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Grow up never but we old may grow we
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.