Person at the grocery store: “How many months along are you?”

Me, not pregnant: “Five. Can I have your Charmin?”

You Might Also Like


[blind date]

Her: I’m a Capricorn, which probably tells you way too much about m..

Me: *covers ears with bread rolls*


Of course I support real issues.

I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement


“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven


Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.


You know you’ve seen too many walking dead episodes when your hand gets stung by a bee and you start screaming for everyone to cut it off


[First Date]

I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.

[Second Date]

*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*


Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her


Daughter: why does that guy with the whistle keep interrupting the football game?

Me: because mommy isn’t there to do it.


I don’t understand how wild bears can eat all that salmon without a squeeze of lemon and some sea salt.


*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*