@ramblinma

Person at the grocery store: “How many months along are you?”

Me, not pregnant: “Five. Can I have your Charmin?”

You Might Also Like

@thatdutchperson

[blind date]

Her: I’m a Capricorn, which probably tells you way too much about m..

Me: *covers ears with bread rolls*

@T_Bonezzz_

Of course I support real issues.

I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement

@PickleRudd

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

@LostFelicia

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

@jake_lach

You know you’ve seen too many walking dead episodes when your hand gets stung by a bee and you start screaming for everyone to cut it off

@jctwritesstuff

[First Date]

I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.

[Second Date]

*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*

@AliasEleanor

Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her

@TomTheWicked

Daughter: why does that guy with the whistle keep interrupting the football game?

Me: because mommy isn’t there to do it.

@MartaEffing

I don’t understand how wild bears can eat all that salmon without a squeeze of lemon and some sea salt.

@ehchinoo

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*