WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
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Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know