Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
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“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL