person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
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“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?