Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
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Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
welcome back
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be