Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
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“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.