Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
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Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.