@OrdinaryAlso

Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.

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@TheTweetOfGod

Time is money. Money talks. So time talks. But talk is cheap. So time is cheap. But time is money. So money is cheap. Which it’s not.

@Muath_tu

My neighbor doesn’t like it when I put garbage in his backyard so I stopped burying people there.

@DrakeGatsby

Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne

Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand

Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away

@MariyaAlexander

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

@Henry_3k

As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.

@benicus_rex

PBS EXEC: We need a new show and we need it now.

JIM HENSON: Okay, so…there’s this yellow, depressed ostrich whose best friend is a woolly mammoth. They live on the same street as a, um…a vampire and a green maniac who sleeps in a trash can.

PBS EXEC: First of all, YES!

@PJTLynch

Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

@darinlovesbacon

Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die

@ArfMeasures

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense