Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.

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Time is money. Money talks. So time talks. But talk is cheap. So time is cheap. But time is money. So money is cheap. Which it’s not.


My neighbor doesn’t like it when I put garbage in his backyard so I stopped burying people there.


Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne

Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand

Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away


I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting


As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.


PBS EXEC: We need a new show and we need it now.

JIM HENSON: Okay, so…there’s this yellow, depressed ostrich whose best friend is a woolly mammoth. They live on the same street as a, um…a vampire and a green maniac who sleeps in a trash can.

PBS EXEC: First of all, YES!


Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food


Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die


WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense