Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
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Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
“What?”
– Jude
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?