Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
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Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
let’s discuss
Try and stop me.