Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
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Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
let’s discuss
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.