Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
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My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.