No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
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it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.