Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”

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I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.


The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.


H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.


H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.


It’s like 10 thousand spoons when all you need is a chainsaw.


ME: I play for the Philadelphia Eagles.

HER: What position do u play?

ME: I’m a *thinks back to the only game I watched* wide-retriever.


I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.


My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.