Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
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I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok