Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
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I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..