@Elizasoul80

Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”

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@GrantTanaka

[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying

@Shade510

Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?

@realHamOnWry

My sister has promised to sing at my funeral. I hope she goes before I do.

@capnwatsisname

Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.

Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows

@AndrewNadeau0

{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.

@mister_blank

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

@Iam_heids

My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”kelkulus”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3278807262/1fcf70b5a66e936d490699028532762d_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”352111911539716097″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”201″;s:5:”tweet”;s:59:”The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@Reverend_Scott

[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”

@JohnLyonTweets

*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*

*glues old gears and cogs to chair*

*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*