@ChrisFredGreen

person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi

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@EJGomez

*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN

@leslid79

I wish there was a show called “Lifestyles of the Twitter Famous” so we could all see how nice your mom’s basement is.

@ChicksRule

[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in

@big_mick_carter

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

@murrman5

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo

@Rollinintheseat

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

@SondraDeeMe

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

@RappaRick

“My name is Robert and I support apples.”

— Bob for apples

@NewDadNotes

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] Black Sea, Red Sea, name one more sea.

Daughter: fancy.

Me: lol.

Wife: did you tell her to say that?

Me: no.

Wife: ok.

Me: I was gonna say Vitamin.