*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
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I wish there was a show called “Lifestyles of the Twitter Famous” so we could all see how nice your mom’s basement is.
Me: Alexa am I drunk?
Roll of paper towels:
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
“He’s back what do I do?”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] Black Sea, Red Sea, name one more sea.
Wife: did you tell her to say that?
Me: I was gonna say Vitamin.