person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
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These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?