@girlontapas: My boss is marrying a Chinese woman. Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?

@jergarl: [At gang interview] GangLeader: You wanna be in our gang Me: Yep GL: What qualities do you.. M: *Already snapping fingers GL: You're in

@petemandik: If someone tells you they don't like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

@iLikeCatShirts: Dealer: Anyone follow you dude? Me: just my cat *dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out* Mom: why are you using drugs???

@KeetPotato: [tied up by the mafia] any last requests? "yes, let me go" [still gets killed despite finding a loophole cuz the mafia arent very nice]