@EJGomez *Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
@ChrisFredGreen person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
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@EJGomez 
@leslid79 I wish there was a show called “Lifestyles of the Twitter Famous” so we could all see how nice your mom’s basement is.
@reallyhoffman Me: Alexa am I drunk?
Roll of paper towels:
@ChicksRule [3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
@big_mick_carter Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
@murrman5 Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
@Rollinintheseat *Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
@SondraDeeMe My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
@RappaRick “My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
@NewDadNotes Wife: [helping daughter with homework] Black Sea, Red Sea, name one more sea.
Daughter: fancy.
Me: lol.
Wife: did you tell her to say that?
Me: no.
Wife: ok.
Me: I was gonna say Vitamin.