person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
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Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.