Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
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Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Breaking news:
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.