Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
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Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.