Person: It’s not rocket science.

Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.

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Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.


For #ValentinesDay2020 here’s what is considered to be the world’s oldest love poem, ‘The Caveman’s Lament’.

It is believed to have been written around 1.5 million years ago by a member of the early human species, homo unrequitus.


this bitcoin scam is so stupid like how could you fall for that, when I wanna double my money I send it to Prince Abolaji, hes Nigerian royalty and I’ve sent him over $6000. He’s having some bank issues so he hasn’t been able to send me back $12000 but that’s a man you can trust


“Every family on 2013 had ‘quite the year’.” – study conducted using Christmas newsletters


BREAKING: Olympic athlete stripped of medal after urine sample shows traces of rubber, which is a band substance


My safe word is “keep going.” It’s led to some HILARIOUS miscommunications let me tell you!


Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)


[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”


Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.


It’s never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it’s too late.