Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
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me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend