Person: My name is Mora.”

Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”

*Door behind her unlocks*

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Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.


My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.


ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.


My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.


People always say “Wow, your baby looks so much like you,” as though it’s supposed to defy genetics & look exactly like a coffee mug.


I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?


Trained psychologists: “Hitting your kids can cause them to be violent adults”

Twitter genius: “I was hit and I never turned out violent. That’s why I can’t wait to hit my own kids when I get them”


Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator


“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.