@Rollinintheseat

Person: My name is Mora.”

Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”

*Door behind her unlocks*

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@HousewifeOfHell

Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.

@HomeProbably

My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.

@SirEviscerate

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

@RunOldMan

My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.

@adamrensch

People always say “Wow, your baby looks so much like you,” as though it’s supposed to defy genetics & look exactly like a coffee mug.

@girlontapas

I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?

@ChristianMingel

Trained psychologists: “Hitting your kids can cause them to be violent adults”

Twitter genius: “I was hit and I never turned out violent. That’s why I can’t wait to hit my own kids when I get them”

@fishbowel

Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator

@JohnnyNami

“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.