Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
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How funny!
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise