person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
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My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
finally found a reasonable question
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?