person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
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Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.