According to MyFitnessPal, I have been dead for 6 weeks.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
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Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
When I was little I wanted to be a writer when I grew up.
*looks around* I guess I should have been more specific.
Surround yourself with positive people and positive things will happen. Surround yourself with negative people and say hi to my family.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me: “bad friday”
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Her: I like bad boys
Me: Could you hang on a minute?
*Returns 20 minutes later just soaked in blood*
Me: Go on…