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@icrushedmyhalo: Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
@AndyAsAdjective: ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
@DamienFahey: Congratulations, Americans who write "Cheers" at the end of e-mails. You've found something even more pretentious than "Sent from my iPhone"
@spicy_peen: Go away kid, I don't have bubble wrap.
That was just the sound my knees make when I stand up
@fro_vo: [Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it's
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
@iCumBl00d: Why do they hand out Kleenex at funerals if you're not supposed to jerk off in the back row