Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
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If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.