@audipenny

person texting me: hey I’m outside

me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON

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@KrunkedRobot

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

@dave_cactus

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

@TheAlexNevil

First day of school and 8’s teacher has already sent a note home with him: “You dropped your son off at the wrong school.”

@sarcasticmommy4

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

@bourgeoisalien

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

@petemandik

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

@dril

in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism

@rickkondell

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

@wallin_monica

My 5y/o just threw a 15 min fit because she doesn’t want me to get old. I had to tell her if she took a bath it would help me stay young