@audipenny

person texting me: hey I’m outside

me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON

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@rickygervais

It seems to be true, particularly in middle America, that those most militant about using up fossil fuels, don’t actually believe in fossils

@CherBear162

Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”

@TheBoydP

Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?

Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.

@Staggfilms

ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

@Crunk_Jews

So apparently when a woman asks what you’re looking for in a relationship, “a way out” isn’t the right answer.

@Darlainky

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

@TheHyyyype

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this