It seems to be true, particularly in middle America, that those most militant about using up fossil fuels, don’t actually believe in fossils
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
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Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
My cardio is mostly just running out of excuses not to exercise.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
So apparently when a woman asks what you’re looking for in a relationship, “a way out” isn’t the right answer.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Always a metermaid never a meter