person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
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[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.