Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
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if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.