person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
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Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
my dog when i have a friend over
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.