*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
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Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.