person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
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all i want is to be as happy as this potato
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Only a mother’s love …
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.