person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
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honestly, i need both:
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.