Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
You Might Also Like
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Just a reminder, folks:
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man