Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
You Might Also Like
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.