person: what is your dog’s name
me: he won’t say

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My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.

In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.


the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules


[sanitation worker knocks at my door]

The amount of McDonald’s related trash we’re collecting from your home each week has us concerned.


ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters


10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher


When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.


Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I


My alarm is set to the sound of a heart monitor’s flatline so I startle awake every morning and think, “whew. Close call.”


I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.