@loudmouth_usa

person: what is your dog’s name
me: he won’t say

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@bartandsoul

My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.

In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.

@Fred_Delicious

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules

@kcmoore51

[sanitation worker knocks at my door]

The amount of McDonald’s related trash we’re collecting from your home each week has us concerned.

@ArfMeasures

ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters

@Cpin42

10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher

@JimGaffigan

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.

@Browtweaten

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

@AmnesiaRose

My alarm is set to the sound of a heart monitor’s flatline so I startle awake every morning and think, “whew. Close call.”

@ninjadinosaur1

I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.