Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
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I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
A little too much information.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy