Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
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Put this video in the Louvre
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”