@PopeAwesomeXIII

Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!

Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.

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@YayForJam

Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo

@charliedelta7

An apple a day can keep ANYONE away if you throw it really hard at their face

@thejessbess

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

@UncleDuke1969

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

@internetluke

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?

@schumoo

Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you

@realHamOnWry

Not to brag, but I never had to take a vow of celibacy. It just kinda happened naturally.

@SamuelHLowe

That awkward moment when someone is washing dishes and you slowly put your glass in the sink.

@PaulyPeligroso

You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.