Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!

Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.

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Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo


An apple a day can keep ANYONE away if you throw it really hard at their face


I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.



Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!


[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?


Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you


Not to brag, but I never had to take a vow of celibacy. It just kinda happened naturally.


That awkward moment when someone is washing dishes and you slowly put your glass in the sink.


You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.