@thatdutchperson

[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”

You Might Also Like

@RedRegenerated

[Haunted house]

Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}

@dxblarssonENG

I hate when my tattoo guy asks if he can take pics for his website and then I wake up the next day realising I don’t have any tattoos.

@markedly

[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews

@Thedudish

It’s been so long since I bought groceries, this morning I saw a c**kroach move out. “Good luck,” he sighed, clutching his tiny suitcases.

@TeaPainUSA

Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.

@Gupton68

Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.

*It’s 17 seconds

@Smooheed

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him

@Marlebean

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

@Shen_the_Bird

boss: can i talk to you in my office

me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too