[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
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[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
if my sleeping schedule was a person
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
True freaking story!
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies