[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
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CUTE CAT‼︎
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u